What a Snake Could Do
by ScaryBones
Summary: While gardening, Stan comes across the one creature that frightens him the most. Luckily Cartman's there with his beefy muscles. Stanman one-shot! :D


"Cartman!" _What the hell does the hippy want now?_ "Cartman! Get out here! Help!"

"I'm eating!"

"I'm about to _die_!"

"God damn it, Stan..." I push my bag of Cheesy Poofs away and set down my chicken pot pie, heaving myself up from my comfortable position on the couch. I peer out of the front door, where Stan was supposed to be doing the gardening for my mom. "You're probably just on your period-" I burst into laughter.

He's backed up flat against the wall, screaming and pointing down. I follow his eyes and see something slither through the flowers.

"It's just a garden snake, you pussy!"

He looks over at the sound of my voice and cried out. "Save me!" He runs and clutches onto me, digging his nails into arm.

"Calm down, hippie, it's just a snake!" He yelps at the word.

"Get it out of the garden!" he cries, trying to climb onto me. He's acting like a woman in the kitchen when she sees a mouse. "But don't kill it!"

I roll my eyes and push him off me. "Alright, alright, don't get your stockings in a bunch." I bend down and pick up the small critter with ease. Stan runs into the house screaming in terror. I chuckle and follow, waving the snake around and pretending it's talking. "_Stan_, _I want to be your friend. Please_, _come over for dinner_."

"Get that thing out of here!" he shouts, throwing a couch pillow at me. "Out!"

"Aww, Mr. Snake, I don't think Stan likes you." I look at the snake in pity. "_Well, that's because he's gay and a pussy_."

"I'm not a pussy!"

The snake and I shake our heads. "Stan, you need to get over your fear."

"No I don't." He glares. "Now take that thing outside and throw it as far as you can."

"Alright, alright." He visibly relaxes and I start to walk away. Just as I reach the door, however, I turn around and start running for him, snake held out in front of me. He's too shocked to move at first, which lets me get close to him, backing the hippie into a wall.

"No!" He tries to slap the wildlife out of my hand.

"Hey!" I pull the green creature toward me. "That's no way to treat a guest."

"_Please_ get rid of it." He stares at me pleadingly, pouting slightly. I sigh and pinch his cheek.

"Alright, _chicken_, but you owe me." I head for the door again and walk across the street, setting the snake down in some tall grass. "Happy now?"

He nods from the doorway, and I walk back toward my house. "Good, because it's time to discuss payment for saving your life."

He rolls his eyes and grabs my face when I reach the door, kissing me. I push him away.

"I'm afraid it costs more than that...I did just _save your life_." I pull him inside and shut the door, shoving him onto the couch.

"You tormented me first!" He crosses his arms and I kneel next to him on the couch.

"But you're still alive, thanks to these beefy muscles." I flex an arm and he rolls his eyes. "It was going to do terrible things to you, Stan. For example, it was plotting on slithering up your leg first, like this." I grab his foot and move my hand up his leg.

"S-stop that!" I ignore him and continue my way up his thigh.

"Then it was going to crawl under your shirt..." I let my hand snake its way over Stan's crotch on its way to his stomach. He shudders and his breath starts becoming shaky again. I trail my hand up his chest, pinching a nipple. His breath hitches. "After that, it'd sneak up to your neck and bite it!" I crawl on top of him quickly and sink my teeth into the flesh above his collarbone.

"No!"

I pull away and smirk at the drops of blood beading up from my teeth marks. "Aren't you glad I saved your life, then?"

"...Yes." He bites his lip. "Uh, what _else_ was this snake plotting to do? Just so I know what to expect if, you know, you're not around or anything..."

I smirk. "Is that your faggy way of asking me to touch you again?" His blush lets me know the answer is a definite yes. Well, that was just a garden snake. I'll show you what a boa constrictor would do."

His eyes go wide but he nods his head. I chuckles and lean back, sitting on his legs.

"First, he'd take off your pants..."

**xxx**

**Woo! Haven't written Stanman is such a loooooooooooooooooooong time. Glad it's back in my head again. :D**


End file.
